I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
You Might Also Like
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.