Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Cause of death: Zumba
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Shoo shoo! 😂
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.