what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
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when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Kentucky names the shit out of places
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want