me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
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What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
same vibe as tangled headphones
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.