*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.