My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
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watergate? u mean a dam??
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
“Wait, let me explain..”
Okey dokey.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.