I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
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Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?