If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
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Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
every single time
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”