I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
You Might Also Like
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
#Caturday
based al yankovic
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.