[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.