Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
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kevin is now a local weatherman
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I need to get some bricks…
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!