My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
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Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Can’t, holding a grudge