I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Mistakes were made
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.