Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
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When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
How do horror writers compete with current events?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me