I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Same pineapple, same
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
A roof is a house hat.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.