I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
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Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no