I hate when that happens.
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Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Mornin
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?