Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
You Might Also Like
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
What number SPF blocks people?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Bike for sale
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram