Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
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If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Erm…
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital