If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Okay me first
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*