Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I like crazy people until they notice me
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?