‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
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why would tinder want me to say this
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.