Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*