When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
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i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
#dnd #ttrpg
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????