This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
You Might Also Like
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
how to exercise your calf muscles