Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Get in loser we’re going crying
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.