if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
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Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?