Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
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“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.