SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
You Might Also Like
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
so this horse walks into a bar
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
United Steaks of America