My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.