BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
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It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
This checks out
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
favorite tropes as memes
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.