Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Just so funny
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table