Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
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I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Adultry does not sound fun at all
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows