Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
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I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
An odd boast
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.