My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.