god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
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experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Good morning.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!