*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Got him!
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.