Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
He took my last fry, your honor
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Jesus Christ lmao
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Need WebMD