Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
my one true gender
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok