waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.