I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
do what now??
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Leaving the Barbers like
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.