[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
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Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
The French word for sex is croissant.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade