if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
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Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Left at a local drug store…
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled