I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
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The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.