online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s