Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
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Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards