Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
this is literally a CIA plant
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
buys donuts instead
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars