My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
You Might Also Like
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Festive toon…
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are