Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.