I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
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I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.